Forgiveness

A few years ago I dreamt that I was moving the last of the items from a symbolic house that represented my union with my ex.  The house was cleaned and I was ready to go.  But when I tried to lock the door I saw there was a large gap between the door and the wall.  I tried and tried but couldn't close that gap.  

I sensed that the gap represented an open pathway in my heart for those painful years to hurt me.

I prayed for weeks and mentally envisioned closing that gap.  Finally I successfully saw it locked with a heavy duty padlock.  I haven't thought of that dream for years.

It's been terribly difficult week for me.  I lost a dear friend to cancer, and have been very downcast.  I told the Lord I desperately needed to hear something very special from Him.  So this morning as I read I came to the place where the Lord called to Samuel (the boy who became a prophet).  After the Lord called Samuel's name 3 times, Samuel responded "speak Lord, your servant is listening"  So that's what I did. I said "Speak Lord, for your servant is listening."

And the Lord showed me I had unforgivness and blame in my heart.  So I once again forgave my ex and the girlfriend, assuming the unforgivness was about them.

But God showed me that my unforgiveness was not against them, but myself!   I hated that I (the ex paralegal who advocated for domestic violence victims) chose to walk away from the God of Love to enter a toxic, loveless, relationship that lasted six years.  I realized I was carrying shame for letting myself be treated so badly.  I was utterly digusted with all the foolish mistakes and horrendous consequences that resulted from staying in that toxicity. 

God told me to forgive ME! He asked me to receive and extend grace to myself and to remember that I had a traumatic brain injury that caused cognitive impairment and a major personality change.  I was truly lost.

And so I tearfully forgave myself.  And I asked God to bless me and bring Romans 8:28 to life with all my past.

And then I pictured that house from my dream.  I clearly saw it closed tightly but didn't like the fact that even strong padlocks can be broken.

So I asked the Lord to burn the symbolic house to ashes ... all the way to the bedrock!  I asked Him to scatter the remaining ashes from the east to the west. While praying I saw the spot where the house once stood.  Not a trace remained.   In its place was a large plot of rugged flat rock.  Embedded in the rock was a huge hardwood cross.  The rock was in front of an ocean whose waves sprayed gently into the air. The mist so real I could almost feel it. A foundation of Rock, gentle waves, and the simple,  sturdy cross.

Recently another wise friend reminded me how deep the Lord's love is for us, deeper than the depths of the ocean.

My past is purified by the cross and my life is now solidly built on the Rock of Christ.  His love is so deep I can NEVER comprehend it.

What a gift God gave me today.